This isn’t going to be a happy one.

It’s been awhile since we last met. Several month have passed and I feel I’ve not had enough time to sit down and write something more substantial than, “I NEED A BREAK, I NEED A BREAK, I NEED A BREAK. PLEASE…. GIVE ME A BREAK”. Yeah, my life has been in a continual spiral of stress. Not necessarily a downward spiral, but a spiral none the less.

March came and went, and I made a trip home. I found out the day I arrive in Toronto that the finances I was DEPENDING on solely for my 2nd year wasn’t available until another year later. I made calls, bank visits and had my hopes set on a loan based on some things and a life insurance policy. I’m not going to go into the gritty details of everything. It took 2 months, but I found out this week that I was denied the loan based on a suicide clause in the life insurance policy I was TOLD I would need to take out. Basically, if I committed suicide, they wouldn’t get their money back because the insurance company will not pay out. So tomorrow I’m going to have to make more calls and set up more appointments in little time.

April came and went and I trucked along, sleep deprived, trying to get through my projects and trying to let go of my perfectionist way before it completely killed me. I had more panic disorder related downs and had to try even harder to keep everything level.

The first week of May we took off to Vegas where sleep isn’t an option and jet lag was never over come, or perhaps overcome and reversed and turned upside down? All I know is that I was getting to bed at 3-4am PST and my body being unhappy. I left before the conference ended in order to write an exam. Lucky for me, the plane I was to take broke down and instead of landing at 11pm the eve of the exam, I landed after 5am the morning of. On no sleep, I wrote the exam in 20 minutes and I really don’t remember much of that day except saying how tired I was every 2 seconds. I got an A in that course so my sleep deprived-ness didn’t screw me over. That following weekend I finished my last class and got all As and A-s, and one B+ that continues to stare me in the face.

Now that school ended, I worked at the NYC Tattoo Convention and got even more sleep deprived. I spent my first week off taking Fonz to the dogpark and spending a lot of time alone, which I know is really going to get to me soon. I’m not exactly the best person to make friends. I’m shy in that category and sort of have a wish that people want to try to be MY friend instead of me trying to be theirs (blah blah, selfish). I haven’t been able to find an internship and finding work is even more difficult as I am in NYC on a student visa and chances of me getting work on campus is almost non existent.

Now, all of this combined has gotten me quite down. I’m 26 years old and I haven’t worked in a year and a half, except for the volunteering I do at the shop. I feel my skills are of average, which isn’t what I feel employers look for. They look for excellence. I want to have the experience but I can’t get it because employers only want people WITH the experience now. I’m always willing to learn. I’m a fast learner and always appreciate learning new skills, but good intentions isn’t exactly a skill to put on the resume. I spend a lot of time alone, I do like it, but it’s not balanced out with everything else. I’ve too much time to think and over think. Too much time to really step back and overlook my life and where it is going. It’s not healthy. I wonder how many other people are in the exact position as I am, because I’ve yet to meet them! I would love to so I’d have a comrade who understands and shares in my struggle.

Aside from all of this, I’m having some health issues that I’m trying to take care of right now in Toronto. On top of that I came down with a head cold the day I arrived which is obviously a huge annoyance. I’m not surprised as every time I come to Toronto there’s SOMETHING negative that looms over the entire trip.

So I’ve decided that I need a genie in a lamp so I can have three wishes because I really don’t know what to do at this point! Accepting it and continuing in this pattern is obviously not a happy one, so how to change from this point on? I already feel I work as hard as I can, so how does one work even harder? Will working harder depress me more if the outcome is the same?
This entry is getting deep. Too deep. I’ve never claimed to be sane, there’s a lot going on up there in that noggin of mine. Hopefully one day it will all settle and I’ll understand exactly what it all means.

2008 Monthly Recap:

January

The year started off with me discovering that my parents were hiding the fact that my dad had cancer. I turned 25. I also decided that at the end of January I was going to move to NYC. I spent my birthday with friends at Golden Thai in Toronto. I received xx amount from a very old trust fund. My father had his first radiation surgery the same day that my niece was born. The next day I met Elizabeth Shirra Forsyth, my niece.

February

February 4th I packed up a huge suitcase and flew to New York to start the rest of my life. I left my first fur child, Gremmy, in Toronto and it was very hard. 2 days later, Brian is offered a job in Vegas. 10 days after that we decide we will be moving to Vegas. After an emotional trip there (for me at least), we came back to NYC and started getting ready. A very sudden issue comes up and we decide LAST MINUTE to stay here. I was relieved. Brian moves into his new shop.

March

Because of the impact my move to NYC and then almost move to Vegas had on me I started to slip into a deep depression that I tried to keep on the down-low as much as possible. It was hard. Everyday was a struggle. A few days later we took part in some students video on Microdermals. We went to San Jose and Berkeley CA where I suspended for the first time. On the last day of this month I was accepted to Pratt Institue.

April

From what I remember this month was fairly quiet. We went back to Vegas for the APP conference and had a pretty good time. We shared rooms with Starr. Saw lots of people, bought some jewelry, spent too much money. It was still fun and I might do it again.

May

I continue to prepare my visa papers for school. I moved into my new place after losing a friendship of 20 years with my old roommate. I let Brian cut a huge hole in my ear that he still has to fix *cough*. I also was frauded 1600$ from my credit card and got a ticket for riding my bike on the sidewalk. It was a comical month.

June

Hated my new neighbours for starting to build a skateramp. I travelled to Oxford, Ohio for my cousin’s wedding and then I took a quick trip to San Francisco by myself and fell in LOVE with the place. I can’t wait to go back. After this trip I flew back to Toronto for the first time in 6 months. I sublet a cute room in a small house near Dupont and Bathurst for the following month. Brian came with me. Oh, I can’t forget about Brian being on XM radio. What a funny day.

July

I spent a loooooooooooooooooong month in Toronto. I spent tons of time by myself, learning about myself, finding a new appreciation for reading and drawing. Experimented with paints. Learned to re-love Bloor st. W and the Annex. Fonz became a man and Brian and I celebrated one year strong. At the end of the month I said my goodbyes and headed back to NYC with my student visa APPROVED.

August

Brian took a little time off and we spent a week in Connecticut in the heat. Afterward I continued with my registrations at Pratt and dealt with the everlasting heat and humidity. There was also the ROP BBQ which was a ton of fun, and I got tons of sleep. I went back to Toronto for a week to start my cover-up and made everything final for my move. It was sad, I said goodbyes, it was real.

September

Not much for this month. I started school and spent time trying to balance life with school as well as a tolerance for 17-18 year olds. I got some transfer credits from U of T. I also dropped the red head look and went light blond once again.

October

More school. A rockstar weekend in Toronto without telling my parents. No sleep, more tattoo work, a few friends. A week later it was Rock the Ink in RI. Brian and I went to help out. There was long days and long nights. We made it through and saw Killswitch Engage and two seconds of Brett Michaels.

November

Exhaustion is catching up with me. School school school. No sleep. A new president is elected and I got a free Starbucks coffee out of it. I went back to Toronto for 5 days to get more tattoo work done and to visit my family. I, once again, didn’t get to see anyone because I just didn’t have the time. I flew straight into CT to be with Brian and his family for Thanksgiving.

December

Now here we are in December. It was the last few weeks of my term at school. I was tired and drained but I managed to pull off 3 A’s and 3 A-’s. We had a wonderful ROP Thanksgiving dinner where I got to bake. Brian came home with me for Christmas. He got to see how my family celebrates the holiday. We had a great time and had great food. And I got a surprise trip to Florida from Brian which we go on next week. Tonight we are here together, which is what matters most, and even though I feel like crappy-poop, I know I’m here and loved.

The 2008 near end review.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
** Moved out of Canada.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
** I didn’t make any for this year, but definitely for next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
** My brother and his wife welcomed their daughter earlier in the year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
** No.

5. What countries did you visit?
** US.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
** More love.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
** July 1st 2008. One year point was a huge step for me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
**Almost straight A’s first semester.

9. What was your biggest failure?
** Not being comfortable in NYC still.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
** I did. Last week. It was sad.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
** My tv in my room. It was a huge decision to buy a tv because that meant I couldn’t really just pick up and leave as I have been known to do.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
** Mine.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
** We don’t need to name her name.

14. Where did most of your money go?
** School. All of it. Gone.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
** School.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
** IO Digital cable.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? A bit happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? The same.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
** Trips, photo shoots, hanging out, exploring, more friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
** Worrying.

20. How will you be spending your holiday?
** Brian and my family in Toronto.

21. Any plans for New Year’s Eve?
** I’m thinking about a potluck.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
** Already was.

23. How many one-night stands?
**In 2008? Zero. Haha.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
** This year? 24 reruns and America’s Funniest Home Videos. Ooooh, and COPS ha. I enjoy good brain stimulation.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
** Nope. Unless my neighbours count.

26. What was the best book you read?
** The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
** I rediscovered Lagwagon.

28. What did you want and get?
** I got everything I wanted for the most part.

29. What did you want and not get?
** A career.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
** Zach and Miri Make a Porno, Dark Knight.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
** I was 25 and I went out for Thai food with friends in Toronto.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?
** A career.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
** The same as last year.

34. What kept you sane?
** Medication. I mean, coffee and chocolate.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
** No one really. It was a tame year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
** Canadian parliament freeze.

37. Who did you miss?
** Toronto. All of it.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
** Hmmmm. I really don’t know!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008
** Have confidence.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
** You are my sweetest downfall.

Holidays continued…

I was still achy today, but managed to keep it at bay with advil throughout the day. It’s the end of the semester and crunch time is here. I finished my “Self portrait” painting assignment for tomorrow, thank god. I don’t know what the heck to do with it once the class is over. Anyone want a 20 x 24 portrait of me? Ha.

Jareb came by last night to see Brian and show some nice jewelry. I’m now sporting some new plugs that look awesome. I felt a little less boring and plain today.

I’m wondering if I’m going to have to go back to Toronto this summer to work. The economy has taken a huge chunk from me and I’m not sure how I’ll survive the last 6 months of next year. Unless something here comes up, I’m contemplating going for 3 months. I’d rather not…

Oh! I forgot! Frances and Brody passed on a gift of Smarties for me. I really must bake them something yummy for Giftmas.